12-12-2014, 07:30 PM
Cotidiano,
Welcome to serious!
I agree w Tectak, and I hope this airs it out some.
Proofers edit:
In Defense of the Cold Ones
Shameless, mindless appetites
feasting on sensual flesh[, and]
wet and hard the blood and bone
these animals lick and suck with longing.
--I don't know where to start, here.
--the topsy-turvy structure works to good effect except I don't know what effect you're wanting and why. Exceedingly difficult to proof.
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
defying our loving Garden birth
denying our indelible double helixes.
--ditto. What're you doing here with the Yoda-ese?
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat[,]
tasting lips yields no flavor[, and]
delicious games produce no favors.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation[,]
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes[,]
content with inner ecstasy[, and]
living without gluttony.
--ditto. very hard to proof.
Copy edit:
In Defense of the Cold Ones
--okay. So, the poem is designed to defend "Cold Ones"--could be a mysterious, ancient entity, a beer, or people who are in some ways cold.
--from the title, I anticipate a "showdown" structure, with an attack levied and a defense raised
[out:Shameless, mindless, as understood] appetites
feasting on sensual flesh
--the above is nonsense. appetites don't feast, they incentivize feasting
wet and hard the blood and bone
--blood is not hard, bone is not wet. fix it.
these animals lick and suck with longing.
--what animals? the cold ones?
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
--stoics? why the mystery?
defying our loving Garden birth
--???
denying our indelible double helixes.
--"indelible"? Do you mean "denying the indelibility"? And, again, why all the SAT words?
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat
--this is inexcusably confusing.
tasting lips yields no flavor
--"tasting lips" is what? Kissing?
delicious games produce no favors.
--I can't make head or tail of this. Is "games" a pun? Delicious but producing no flavors? Is this a thought about the cold ones? Feel free to clarify in a response . . .
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes
content with inner ecstasy
living without gluttony.
--I'm lost
Welcome to serious!
I agree w Tectak, and I hope this airs it out some.
Proofers edit:
In Defense of the Cold Ones
Shameless, mindless appetites
feasting on sensual flesh[, and]
wet and hard the blood and bone
these animals lick and suck with longing.
--I don't know where to start, here.
--the topsy-turvy structure works to good effect except I don't know what effect you're wanting and why. Exceedingly difficult to proof.
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
defying our loving Garden birth
denying our indelible double helixes.
--ditto. What're you doing here with the Yoda-ese?
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat[,]
tasting lips yields no flavor[, and]
delicious games produce no favors.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation[,]
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes[,]
content with inner ecstasy[, and]
living without gluttony.
--ditto. very hard to proof.
Copy edit:
In Defense of the Cold Ones
--okay. So, the poem is designed to defend "Cold Ones"--could be a mysterious, ancient entity, a beer, or people who are in some ways cold.
--from the title, I anticipate a "showdown" structure, with an attack levied and a defense raised
[out:Shameless, mindless, as understood] appetites
feasting on sensual flesh
--the above is nonsense. appetites don't feast, they incentivize feasting
wet and hard the blood and bone
--blood is not hard, bone is not wet. fix it.
these animals lick and suck with longing.
--what animals? the cold ones?
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
--stoics? why the mystery?
defying our loving Garden birth
--???
denying our indelible double helixes.
--"indelible"? Do you mean "denying the indelibility"? And, again, why all the SAT words?
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat
--this is inexcusably confusing.
tasting lips yields no flavor
--"tasting lips" is what? Kissing?
delicious games produce no favors.
--I can't make head or tail of this. Is "games" a pun? Delicious but producing no flavors? Is this a thought about the cold ones? Feel free to clarify in a response . . .
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes
content with inner ecstasy
living without gluttony.
--I'm lost
A yak is normal.