12-12-2014, 11:03 AM
Blind Desire
The strength of a man is to found in his heart, Lose "to"
and not in his arms or legs, I would say lose "and" as well since you are not adding what is found in a heart; rather you are stating where it is not
to that which his will clings he'll never depart
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause, Personally I think "He'll live for a belief, die for a cause," would add more strength to this line, but I may be wrong.
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are insanity; "While his reasons are insane" Sounded like you were forcing a rhyme.
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts Lose "yea".. unless you are holding onto a human skull while you present the poem to an audience
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do... I don't know the rule on multiple periods to end a poem. To me it is something people find in text messages when they say something awkward. So I would stick with one period to let people know the poem is at its end.
Here are my suggestions. I believe the topic of the poem to be great. It is assumable that every man in life will sit down at some point and wonder "What makes a man?" and this poem speaks for it. Another thing I would like to add is about line 12. You said insanity and then go on to describe that feeling in the sentences below. Well done!
The strength of a man is to found in his heart, Lose "to"
and not in his arms or legs, I would say lose "and" as well since you are not adding what is found in a heart; rather you are stating where it is not
to that which his will clings he'll never depart
no matter how much reason begs!
He will live for a belief, he'll die for a cause, Personally I think "He'll live for a belief, die for a cause," would add more strength to this line, but I may be wrong.
this iron will's his greatest virtue,
he'll wrestle with demons vile without pause
for that which his heart holds as true
And sacrifice all that he has on a whim
in fiery feats of integrity;
but truth is a phantom, ghastly and grim,
when his reasons are insanity; "While his reasons are insane" Sounded like you were forcing a rhyme.
See brothers fight brothers for forests and fields,
treasuring but greed and pride,
And women are raped "for the pleasures it yields",
for shame my soul flees to hide.
Yea the faults of all men are to be found in their hearts Lose "yea".. unless you are holding onto a human skull while you present the poem to an audience
alongside their greatest virtue,
for when passion is roused, reason departs
and men heed not what they do... I don't know the rule on multiple periods to end a poem. To me it is something people find in text messages when they say something awkward. So I would stick with one period to let people know the poem is at its end.
Here are my suggestions. I believe the topic of the poem to be great. It is assumable that every man in life will sit down at some point and wonder "What makes a man?" and this poem speaks for it. Another thing I would like to add is about line 12. You said insanity and then go on to describe that feeling in the sentences below. Well done!