12-11-2014, 05:28 PM
Ooh, I do love a twisted narrator. There's a certain sing-songy quality to the poem that adds to the creepiness. I'm also getting a strong "Lolita" vibe. I might not have picked up on the reformed sexual predator concept if you hadn't included that preface, although the last stanza has very clear intentions. A few parts I'm unsure about:
"Your sky-high eyes bore black in blue, like holes in crumpled silver foil,"
>>But are holes in crumpled silver foil actually black and blue? The imagery creates a certain feeling (tin-foil hats come to mind), but I can't visualize it in connection with eyes.
"you play the contact game so well"
>>For me, the adjective "contact" distracts from the lyrical/flirty tone here. Perhaps it's just not suggestive or physical enough of a word in comparison to "aching breasts," "recoil," and "transmit." There's no real sexual energy to it.
"Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release."
>>Do you mean for the tone shift from the first and second line to be so abrupt? If so, it's effective, as the narrative switches from "song lyrics" to dialogue, like someone abruptly stopping a record to exclaim something. I'm not sure how I feel about the third line either, but I think the implications of the last clause are interesting, and the strong sexual connotation of the word "release" provides nice emphasis.
"Your sky-high eyes bore black in blue, like holes in crumpled silver foil,"
>>But are holes in crumpled silver foil actually black and blue? The imagery creates a certain feeling (tin-foil hats come to mind), but I can't visualize it in connection with eyes.
"you play the contact game so well"
>>For me, the adjective "contact" distracts from the lyrical/flirty tone here. Perhaps it's just not suggestive or physical enough of a word in comparison to "aching breasts," "recoil," and "transmit." There's no real sexual energy to it.
"Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release."
>>Do you mean for the tone shift from the first and second line to be so abrupt? If so, it's effective, as the narrative switches from "song lyrics" to dialogue, like someone abruptly stopping a record to exclaim something. I'm not sure how I feel about the third line either, but I think the implications of the last clause are interesting, and the strong sexual connotation of the word "release" provides nice emphasis.