12-11-2014, 01:39 PM
Hello, Welcome to the site.
One of the first things that pops out is that most of your rhymes seem forced, but none so much as the final couplet. Being "debonair" is hardly a trait that will get you condemned to hell.
debonair: "courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm." (dictionary.com)
You may have gotten debonair confused with dilettante. I think Dante had something like that in the first ring of hell, but it would seem like even that would not be worthy of "endless despair". I'm not exactly sure why you felt the need to rhyme anyway. Your lines have no meter which is usually a requirement for anything other than incidental rhyme. Personally I would recommend dropping the rhyme as it is not effective in accomplishing anything, and in fact is a hindrance, causing you to write improbable sentences that I would guess you would generally not right if not for the need to rhyme. Example:
"To be judged by those who think of me less"
To take this at face value it simply means that they do not think about you as much as they used to. What one assumes you are meaning to say is "less worthy", however you drop the "worthy" so "less" can rhyme with "darkness", which considering the price is not an altogether satisfying rhyme.
Regardless, each one of the second lines in the couplets is either a stretch to make sense , or else it is just senseless.
"viewed under a bind"
" and bury divine" (OK that was a first line)
and the rest I have already commented on.
I don't really know what you are trying to achieve with all of this white space, to me it is distracting, as is the fact of capping the start of every line, and then not using periods to delineate sentences. Poetry, just as prose has to follow the same rules of grammar, typography, and syntax that prose must, unless there is a compelling reason, or rationale to abandon them. I see nothing here that would fulfill that criteria. The capping of the first word of every line went out circa 1950's, because they finally realized that only capitalizing the start of the sentences made for much easier reading and lent itself to less confusion.
Again, welcome to the site,
Best wishes,
Dale
One of the first things that pops out is that most of your rhymes seem forced, but none so much as the final couplet. Being "debonair" is hardly a trait that will get you condemned to hell.
debonair: "courteous, gracious, and having a sophisticated charm." (dictionary.com)
You may have gotten debonair confused with dilettante. I think Dante had something like that in the first ring of hell, but it would seem like even that would not be worthy of "endless despair". I'm not exactly sure why you felt the need to rhyme anyway. Your lines have no meter which is usually a requirement for anything other than incidental rhyme. Personally I would recommend dropping the rhyme as it is not effective in accomplishing anything, and in fact is a hindrance, causing you to write improbable sentences that I would guess you would generally not right if not for the need to rhyme. Example:
"To be judged by those who think of me less"
To take this at face value it simply means that they do not think about you as much as they used to. What one assumes you are meaning to say is "less worthy", however you drop the "worthy" so "less" can rhyme with "darkness", which considering the price is not an altogether satisfying rhyme.
Regardless, each one of the second lines in the couplets is either a stretch to make sense , or else it is just senseless.
"viewed under a bind"
" and bury divine" (OK that was a first line)
and the rest I have already commented on.
I don't really know what you are trying to achieve with all of this white space, to me it is distracting, as is the fact of capping the start of every line, and then not using periods to delineate sentences. Poetry, just as prose has to follow the same rules of grammar, typography, and syntax that prose must, unless there is a compelling reason, or rationale to abandon them. I see nothing here that would fulfill that criteria. The capping of the first word of every line went out circa 1950's, because they finally realized that only capitalizing the start of the sentences made for much easier reading and lent itself to less confusion.
Again, welcome to the site,
Best wishes,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.