12-11-2014, 01:13 PM
This path eclipsed from light and life I find your lack of a comma here messes with the flow a bit. to me you seem to be saying that you are finding that relation between life and pages, not light and life aaand the pages. That is ambiguity, but not really the kind that adds to the work, you know?
Relates to pages once viewed under a bind Under a bind? Like in a bound book? This line seems a bit weak.
My only option to dive into darkness perhaps a color would be in order between option and to, given that a list of a sort follows after it. also... perhaps 'options' makes more sense. One part of this poem should be altered in order to make it logically consistent, if that's what you're in to, that is
To be judged by those who think of me less interesting reversal of "think less of me", is that on purpose? I think it is interesting, but perhaps it does not add to the poem.
The choices of past life were none but mine [b] again with the strange, choppy phrasing; however, I do like the sentiment here.
So brand me a tragedy and bury divine Brand me a tragedy is a good line, but 'bury divine' seems weak in comparison; though the duality here is wonderful, I simply think it could be executed more effectively.
March me to my endless despair hm... perhaps a bit cliche, but I like this line; it's like this is being forced upon you, like it is an assertion of something predetermined. It contrasts interestingly with the previous line, wherein you stated that your choices were "none but yours". In some ways I feel like it is another example of the duality expressed in the tragedy line. I think that concept could use a bit more development
For I have lived a life of a debonair Interesting way to end the poem... I like it; this is probably my favorite line, and it makes your theme quite clear
Nice poem
I can't wait to see how it develops and changes over time; with revision, addition, revisitation,cooperation, et cetera XD
Relates to pages once viewed under a bind Under a bind? Like in a bound book? This line seems a bit weak.
My only option to dive into darkness perhaps a color would be in order between option and to, given that a list of a sort follows after it. also... perhaps 'options' makes more sense. One part of this poem should be altered in order to make it logically consistent, if that's what you're in to, that is
To be judged by those who think of me less interesting reversal of "think less of me", is that on purpose? I think it is interesting, but perhaps it does not add to the poem.
The choices of past life were none but mine [b] again with the strange, choppy phrasing; however, I do like the sentiment here.
So brand me a tragedy and bury divine Brand me a tragedy is a good line, but 'bury divine' seems weak in comparison; though the duality here is wonderful, I simply think it could be executed more effectively.
March me to my endless despair hm... perhaps a bit cliche, but I like this line; it's like this is being forced upon you, like it is an assertion of something predetermined. It contrasts interestingly with the previous line, wherein you stated that your choices were "none but yours". In some ways I feel like it is another example of the duality expressed in the tragedy line. I think that concept could use a bit more development
For I have lived a life of a debonair Interesting way to end the poem... I like it; this is probably my favorite line, and it makes your theme quite clear
Nice poem
I can't wait to see how it develops and changes over time; with revision, addition, revisitation,cooperation, et cetera XD