12-10-2014, 04:23 AM
Today is everyday—is crumpled time.
What do you think about making "everyday" two words, and taking out the second "is"?
Sheets of paper crushed in hands and dropped.
Some words here could be dropped, and, with the next line, you could form an image with the paper and leaves in the wind. ...crumpled time,
paper crushed and dropped,
Today (if you don't want to use 'it' or something else) shakes like dry leaves in the wind.
Or something less generic.
Today shakes in the wind like dry leaves,
Jittering is a broken toy, Rumbling is a leopard’s throat.
Today is September—leaving like leaves
Gilded green and growing brown and fading.
Today is content to exist in mist,
To drift into October’s arms unheeded.
Something similar could be done with the last two lines by losing words, rearranging and blending.
What do you think about making "everyday" two words, and taking out the second "is"?
Sheets of paper crushed in hands and dropped.
Some words here could be dropped, and, with the next line, you could form an image with the paper and leaves in the wind. ...crumpled time,
paper crushed and dropped,
Today (if you don't want to use 'it' or something else) shakes like dry leaves in the wind.
Or something less generic.
Today shakes in the wind like dry leaves,
Jittering is a broken toy, Rumbling is a leopard’s throat.
Today is September—leaving like leaves
Gilded green and growing brown and fading.
Today is content to exist in mist,
To drift into October’s arms unheeded.
Something similar could be done with the last two lines by losing words, rearranging and blending.