Synthesis

[tectak]

Edit #1

Sleepless: eyes closed,
the open arms of an elm tree,
a mime show of shadows
spreading across mother’s rose
colored kitchen walls.

Each memory a cedar closet:
notebooks of unwritten poems,
a tin of icebox cookies baked
back in Wisconsin; dead limbs
of a winter birch in the side yard,
and father, as he lay dying:
femur, blood, urine; nothing
working, not even his dark sleep.

I dreamed about the strength
of this man’s trunk; his language,
his energy, the way his colors changed
year-to-year.

Who dreams about love
with an old year sputtering,
a new year tip-toeing in?

I wonder if he ever dreamed
at all?

I never asked.



Original

No one sleeps
they are, at least,
restless: eyes closed,
the open arms
of an elm tree,
a mime show
of shadows
spreading across
rose colored
kitchen walls

Who dreams
about love
with an old year
sputtering,
a new year
tip-toeing in?

Any memory is
a cedar closet:
notebooks
of unwritten
poems,
a tin of icebox
cookies baked
back in Wisconsin;
the dead limbs
of the winter birch
in the side yard
the dead limbs
of father as he lay
dying: femur, blood,
urine; nothing
working, not even
his dark sleep

I dreamed
about the strength
of this man’s trunk;
his language,
his energy,
the way his color
changed
year-to-year

As he lay dying,
I wonder if
he ever dreamed
at all?

I never asked.

It really is quite beautiful. Poignant yet pragmatically purposeful. This edit is worthy. I still believe you over semi/colon the piece BUT now it matters less because you have made the piece shareable to the point where I find myself on the cusps of your pauses...in all the right places.  That is not to say that there is only one way...but I know you would agree with me on that!
For an exercise in this investigation into alternatives I may well write it out again with longer lines and  read it again in camera. You may never know how good it could be...unless you try it, too. Don't tell me if you do. This is  by far the best I have seen from you.
Best,
tectak