Synthesis
#2
(12-09-2014, 03:36 AM)71degrees Wrote:  No one sleeps (Missing punctuation.  It doesn't make sense to have it lead into the next line.)
they are, at least,
restless: eyes closed, (By saying they're "at least, restless" after saying that "no one sleeps" is redundant.  We can already deduct from no one sleeping that they are also restless.)
the open arms
of an elm tree,
a mime show
of shadows
spreading across
rose colored
kitchen walls (Nice imagery.  Needs a period at the end of this.)

Who dreams
about love
with an old year
sputtering, (There are a couple of options here that would improve the reading of this sentence.  Perhaps put "and" between "sputtering," and "a new year", OR you can put in a semicolon after "sputtering," which allows you to carry on into the next line without it being an awkward run-on sentence.)
a new year
tip-toeing in?

Any memory is
a cedar closet: (Why cedar closet?)
notebooks
of unwritten
poems,
a tin of icebox
cookies baked
back in Wisconsin; (Are these previous lines an example of what's in the mentioned "cedar closet"?  The next lines after this seem irrelevant to that if so, and you can go ahead and end this sentence with a period in order to start your new ideas.)
the dead limbs
of the winter birch
in the side yard (Needs a comma.)
the dead limbs
of father as he lay
dying: femur, blood, (What brings us to a father suddenly dying?  This came out of no where with no relation to all of the previous ideas and confused me quite a bit.)
urine; nothing
working, not even
his dark sleep (The imagery and emotion in this is phenomenal to me.)

I dreamed
about the strength
of this man’s trunk; ("this man" as in the previously mentioned dying father?)
his language,
his energy,
the way his color
changed
year-to-year (Needs period.)

As he lay dying,
I wonder if
he ever dreamed
at all?

I never asked. (What a haunting closer!  Bravo.)
The imagery throughout this is nice but too various that I couldn't figure out what you were ultimately trying to convey.  It became moving and haunting near the end, but the relevance between the first half and the last wasn't quite there.  I was confused as to how suddenly death became involved.  There wasn't anything that lead up to that well enough for me.  The punctuation and capitalization was all over the place.  Cleaning it up a bit and adding more clarity would make this poem outstanding.  Nice work.
"Place nothing above the verdict of your own mind."
- Ayn Rand
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Messages In This Thread
Synthesis - by 71degrees - 12-09-2014, 03:36 AM
RE: Synthesis - by Eluoh - 12-09-2014, 07:43 AM
RE: Synthesis - by ellajam - 12-09-2014, 09:48 AM
RE: Synthesis - by 71degrees - 12-09-2014, 12:45 PM
RE: Synthesis - by tectak - 12-09-2014, 09:46 PM
RE: Synthesis - by 71degrees - 12-09-2014, 11:36 PM
RE: Synthesis - by tectak - 12-09-2014, 11:50 PM
RE: Synthesis - by ellajam - 12-10-2014, 01:27 AM
RE: Synthesis - by tectak - 12-10-2014, 07:16 AM
RE: Synthesis - by 71degrees - 12-10-2014, 09:17 AM
RE: Synthesis - by tectak - 12-10-2014, 05:26 PM
RE: Synthesis - by QDeathstar - 12-11-2014, 10:27 AM
RE: Synthesis - by 71degrees - 12-11-2014, 11:59 AM



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