It may be raining, but we don't have to go outside

[jsoutiere92]

Please keep in mind I am using this as a spoken word piece, but it may also appear as a paper copy.
--first critique-able draft.
It may be raining, but we don’t have to go outside

Let me be the remedy for the season,
it may be raining, but we don't have to go outside.
Take the flow and slow dance in our arms,
and just take a bath in it.
You can be the scented candle,
we can be the flame.
Don't worry about the rain, we don’t have to go outside.

We can bundle up, and sing our song.
We can dance forever, the night is long
and we can pretend it’s a saturday, because there's nothing I’d rather do
than spend the day with you.

You're more than work, and more than play,
so lets relax and take a day.
I’ll bring you chocolate, we melt worries away.
Everything is so expensive, we don’t have to go outside.

Make our walls bloom with colors,
make our colors vibrant,
vibrant like our romance,
romance like a supernova.

Lets let the rain start a beat.
Heat it up, pick a cup, lets erupt.
I want to hear you singsong all day,
we can pingpong back and forth,
you’re my rebirth.

^^^^
This is the weakest stanza of the poem. It feels like you are trying to introduce a cornucopia of events as a sort of crescendo, but they are neither incorporated well to each other nor the rest of the writing. The first line is alright and congruent with the rest of the piece, so I would suggest building upon the idea of emphasizing rhythm specifically as a motif that includes the underlying message you want to express.


So sing us a song, take my hand...dance along;
angels are our spot light.
Let this day be long.
We don’t have to go outside.