12-07-2014, 06:57 AM
I see a young woman
in the glass reflection
of the Andrew Square Metro; Be wary of reversed intentions when using semicolons...or mirrors. You have written a sentence. Stop. Do not reverse back along the tracks by making a link between your opening gambit and the wholly more informative line which follows. Allowing for musings in pensive cameos can lead you in to loops. Who cares what the metro station is called? I don't need to know and certainly don't care and you don't need to know because you were there
her face is the sexual face Whoa there. Here we go again. You look at someone and whistfully (pensively, wantonly, passionately or whatever) decide she has a "sexual face". Now, you may know what you mean and it is not beyond the bounds of reason that you are going to pass this information on to the reader....after all, you told me which metro it was...but no. Nothing. Zilch. It was the kind of face you always desired? Harumph! Means nothing to me unless the duality of meaning implies that you would like to look like a girl. Plastic surgery...that MIGHT be an interesting route. If I am wrong, it isn't.
I’ve always desired; Yep...colonic discharge. You CAN write sentences sequentially without penalty.
her hands hold rosary beads
like soft blue bird eggs; Hmmm. Well, just read it out loud. You should write. "In her hands (location) she holds rosary beads (content), soft-blue bird eggs." The last comma ends the statement referring to "the holding of something" then metaphorically describes the something. I doubt, though, that you really thought this through as the alternatives to the nonsensical (or at very least counter-intuitive) "soft eggs", forces me to link soft-blue as a colour descriptor. Yes? You still need to convince me you don't mean a soft blue-bird egg. OK. Pedantic....but defend yourself with a different weapon.
she might be remembering
what she responded either how she responded or what she replied. As it is it is... er....wrong
last evening when he asked herClue belatedly. He asked her a question, she replied.
how lucky he was ...or is it a question? No. Let me get this right. HE asked HER...how lucky HE was...to have HER share HIS bed?? Sure beats the shit outta me. I mean, what IS the answer and who the fuck gives it?
to have her share his bed; These semicolons are now tedious to the point of irritation; if only because they almost always precede a schoolboy howler
she told him according to mother, Here it comes. The good 'ol "I shot an elephant in my pyjamas" joke
Take your pick. She told him what her mother said, or her mother told you and you are telling us. Now I realise that the comma after "mother" is moot, but I have learnt to distrust your intentions. The circle is squared.
angels are always watching
but sometimes it doesn’t hurt
to pray anyway.
Hi 71,
Good thoughts are only as good as the expression of the same. Deliberately meandering grammar and syntax is often used, not always, as an excuse...er ...explanation for pensive musings . I am not saying that this applies here...so there must be some other reason.
It needs a short back and sides, with maybe some oily gel to hold it all in place. Then it could be quite tidy.
Best,
tectak
in the glass reflection
of the Andrew Square Metro; Be wary of reversed intentions when using semicolons...or mirrors. You have written a sentence. Stop. Do not reverse back along the tracks by making a link between your opening gambit and the wholly more informative line which follows. Allowing for musings in pensive cameos can lead you in to loops. Who cares what the metro station is called? I don't need to know and certainly don't care and you don't need to know because you were there
her face is the sexual face Whoa there. Here we go again. You look at someone and whistfully (pensively, wantonly, passionately or whatever) decide she has a "sexual face". Now, you may know what you mean and it is not beyond the bounds of reason that you are going to pass this information on to the reader....after all, you told me which metro it was...but no. Nothing. Zilch. It was the kind of face you always desired? Harumph! Means nothing to me unless the duality of meaning implies that you would like to look like a girl. Plastic surgery...that MIGHT be an interesting route. If I am wrong, it isn't.
I’ve always desired; Yep...colonic discharge. You CAN write sentences sequentially without penalty.
her hands hold rosary beads
like soft blue bird eggs; Hmmm. Well, just read it out loud. You should write. "In her hands (location) she holds rosary beads (content), soft-blue bird eggs." The last comma ends the statement referring to "the holding of something" then metaphorically describes the something. I doubt, though, that you really thought this through as the alternatives to the nonsensical (or at very least counter-intuitive) "soft eggs", forces me to link soft-blue as a colour descriptor. Yes? You still need to convince me you don't mean a soft blue-bird egg. OK. Pedantic....but defend yourself with a different weapon.
she might be remembering
what she responded either how she responded or what she replied. As it is it is... er....wrong
last evening when he asked herClue belatedly. He asked her a question, she replied.
how lucky he was ...or is it a question? No. Let me get this right. HE asked HER...how lucky HE was...to have HER share HIS bed?? Sure beats the shit outta me. I mean, what IS the answer and who the fuck gives it?
to have her share his bed; These semicolons are now tedious to the point of irritation; if only because they almost always precede a schoolboy howler
she told him according to mother, Here it comes. The good 'ol "I shot an elephant in my pyjamas" joke
Take your pick. She told him what her mother said, or her mother told you and you are telling us. Now I realise that the comma after "mother" is moot, but I have learnt to distrust your intentions. The circle is squared.angels are always watching
but sometimes it doesn’t hurt
to pray anyway.
Hi 71,
Good thoughts are only as good as the expression of the same. Deliberately meandering grammar and syntax is often used, not always, as an excuse...er ...explanation for pensive musings . I am not saying that this applies here...so there must be some other reason.
It needs a short back and sides, with maybe some oily gel to hold it all in place. Then it could be quite tidy.
Best,
tectak