12-07-2014, 05:11 AM
I am not really sure what is suppose to be going on here. I generally try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, however I can see no justification for the odd line length, nor the over reliance on word play that seems to almost completely cover up any meaning the writer might be trying to impart. If it weren't for such errors as "the shadow of people" when it should be "shadows" and the misspelling of "vacincy", I might tend to overlook these other things as intentional, but I think they are not. The writer has a very good talent for rhyme and word play, but seems to as yet not have gotten it under control, or else is just having too much fun with it. Power without control will do you no service, even though it is a lot of fun. Hauling off and hitting the tennis ball over the backstop is lots of fun, but your partner will quickly grow bored and walk away, so to will ones readers.
There are many nonsensical or ambiguous statements, such as :
"The smell of my lonely room conjures the shadow of people I do not associate with--when the lights are out."
Does this mean these are people the speaker does not associate with when the lights are out, or the smell of the room conjures shadows when the lights are out?
Such statements as "distance is the existence I have come to know" with no explanation makes little sense, whether one consider what comes before and after it or not.
Further down the "Shadows" have a "Master Plan" although the reader is never informed what this is, and somehow this turns into a "man's scam" and on and on. Mishmash into mishmash, then eventually "a man with a plan" not that, that is a cliche or anything. Still, with all this twisting and turning the reader is left with no more understanding than when he started.
I do not wish to be unkind, and maybe someone else with be better to you and you can just ignore my comments. Sorry, I can tell you put a lot of effort into this, but you really should at least run it through spell checker at the minimum. It really changes the perception of a piece if all the words are spelled correctly as to not so. Do not be discourage, you do appear to be talented with your rhyme and word play and talent cannot be learned.
Dale
There are many nonsensical or ambiguous statements, such as :
"The smell of my lonely room conjures the shadow of people I do not associate with--when the lights are out."
Does this mean these are people the speaker does not associate with when the lights are out, or the smell of the room conjures shadows when the lights are out?
Such statements as "distance is the existence I have come to know" with no explanation makes little sense, whether one consider what comes before and after it or not.
Further down the "Shadows" have a "Master Plan" although the reader is never informed what this is, and somehow this turns into a "man's scam" and on and on. Mishmash into mishmash, then eventually "a man with a plan" not that, that is a cliche or anything. Still, with all this twisting and turning the reader is left with no more understanding than when he started.
I do not wish to be unkind, and maybe someone else with be better to you and you can just ignore my comments. Sorry, I can tell you put a lot of effort into this, but you really should at least run it through spell checker at the minimum. It really changes the perception of a piece if all the words are spelled correctly as to not so. Do not be discourage, you do appear to be talented with your rhyme and word play and talent cannot be learned.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.