12-04-2014, 12:32 AM
Really liked the duel subject matter of this poem. On one side there is a nature of relationships and change. When I feel like the other subject of this poem is the changing of the season and the death of fall. I really enjoyed the first stanza
"Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock."
It paints a clear picture in my mind as well as providing a great metaphor. It sets the mood and tone of the poem clearly. The next line starts with "I can remember" I think this line could be a bit better perhaps by making the next stanza a question with "Do you remember" It could potentially make the poem more personal for the reader my including the narrators partner. The next suggestion is about the title. I think the last line would make a great title. "October into oblivion"
Really enjoyed this read, thanks for posting!
"Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock."
It paints a clear picture in my mind as well as providing a great metaphor. It sets the mood and tone of the poem clearly. The next line starts with "I can remember" I think this line could be a bit better perhaps by making the next stanza a question with "Do you remember" It could potentially make the poem more personal for the reader my including the narrators partner. The next suggestion is about the title. I think the last line would make a great title. "October into oblivion"
Really enjoyed this read, thanks for posting!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
--mark twain
Bunx