12-04-2014, 12:14 AM
hello
Using the second person is usually a clunky device announcing 'hey, look I'm writing in the second person. I can do that, you know. I'm a poet.' Rather than adding anything purposeful to the poem. There are exceptions, of course. This, however, is not one of them.
There are some cliche phrases (knight in shining armor, fighting back to consciousness) that seem lazy, and coupled with the second person narrative (that at times doesn't even seem itself to really want to be the second person, i.e. 'of course, of course you would help'), it all feels a bit clumsy.
Also, why the ellipsis after blood? Furthermore, if you insist on the ellipse, then surely 'to' in 'to buy[...]' shouldn't be capitalised.
Also, the poem gives some very specific details ($10,000, over your right shoulder) that as far as I can tell are dead ends, like fluff giving extra padding.
You suggested that the fellow's intentions where not altogether pure. thought here is no suggestion within the ppoem (implied or otherwise) that this is the case. And at the end one thinks, what a fucking idiot... or I did anyway. But at no point did I think, dirty old man or the like.
The ISIS thing went right over my head.I haven't heard about the stories you mentioned, however, I am not entirely sure it need be made any more clear; simply because I got the gist of a man being tricked, knocked unconscious and about to be killed. In fact, before I had read the ISIS remark I kind of liked the fact I didn't know, because there are a million bullshit reasons why people do this kind of thing (usually money), and the vagueness of reason adds an uncertain sickness to the poem, which I like.
Using the second person is usually a clunky device announcing 'hey, look I'm writing in the second person. I can do that, you know. I'm a poet.' Rather than adding anything purposeful to the poem. There are exceptions, of course. This, however, is not one of them.
There are some cliche phrases (knight in shining armor, fighting back to consciousness) that seem lazy, and coupled with the second person narrative (that at times doesn't even seem itself to really want to be the second person, i.e. 'of course, of course you would help'), it all feels a bit clumsy.
Also, why the ellipsis after blood? Furthermore, if you insist on the ellipse, then surely 'to' in 'to buy[...]' shouldn't be capitalised.
Also, the poem gives some very specific details ($10,000, over your right shoulder) that as far as I can tell are dead ends, like fluff giving extra padding.
You suggested that the fellow's intentions where not altogether pure. thought here is no suggestion within the ppoem (implied or otherwise) that this is the case. And at the end one thinks, what a fucking idiot... or I did anyway. But at no point did I think, dirty old man or the like.
The ISIS thing went right over my head.I haven't heard about the stories you mentioned, however, I am not entirely sure it need be made any more clear; simply because I got the gist of a man being tricked, knocked unconscious and about to be killed. In fact, before I had read the ISIS remark I kind of liked the fact I didn't know, because there are a million bullshit reasons why people do this kind of thing (usually money), and the vagueness of reason adds an uncertain sickness to the poem, which I like.
(09-03-2014, 07:53 PM)Erthona Wrote: The Next One
She knew you still loved her
when she called to ask for help.
A love she had never returned,
but now she was in a real jam.
For just $10,000 you could be
her knight in shining armor.
Of course, of course you would help.
You drained all the money you had,
like the last drop of blood…
To buy her freedom, to buy her love.
Off the plane,
adjusting your backpack to your right shoulder,
you pulled out the address and hailed a cab.
You were a little nervous
when the taxi dropped you off
in a rundown part of town.
You knocked on the door.
An older women let you in,
then blackness.
Fighting back to consciousness,
hands tight behind your back,
knees in sand,
you hear her voice somewhere near you,
“OK, but I get to do the next one.”
–Erthona
©2014