First World Problems

[paulcanuck]

The crickets are just there to accompany the song. 

Let me take a stab at this. I'll try to evaluate this as a song. If I approached it as a pure poem the meter would be irregular, the lines would be a bit choppy. I think songs are a bit more forgiving and singers can cheat a bit so I'm going to avoid going down those paths. While it's hard to evaluate without music I think I'm getting a sense of the cadence and it works. Some comments below:

First World Problems
Copyright 2014 Tennyson Road Music

Meet Yohannes
Pawing through a garbage pail
For something he can sell
Ethiopian slum
Bag at his feet
Food that won't keep in this heat
Past this week
Better eat

Some nice concrete imagery here. It's a tight narrative that you sketch quickly. No real issues with this opening.

~~~

Meet Janet
Flip side of the planet--I like the phrasing here.
Problems of her own--I realize this is facetious,  but I'd prefer a total separation between the characters in setup.
That make-up she bought
Not the right tone
Gonna take it back
Stores shouldn't oughta--works as inner monologue
Rip you off like that

First world problems
It's a shame she's got 'em
Those first world problems

Yohannes sleeps
Under the bridge, end of the street--Really think about what end of the street adds. 
One eye open - you never know
Who shows up with a knife--I think at this stanza you need to raise the emotional stakes. This is a vague danger. It's not enough. I think each stanza needs to build, Janet by contrast should get more trivial. I think you need to push the contrast more and make us care.

~~~

Janet stands
In the rain with the rest
Wallet in hand - store better open soon
Feet getting wet--This is better than the last Yohannes part because you're already pushing for trivial

First world problems
It's a shame she's got 'em
Those first world problems

If you build the emotional pain more you may be able to introduce a bridge (rapid fire emotional tension one after another shifting to vapid issues one after another or alternating. Just a thought

First world problems
It's a pain to solve 'em
Those first world problems

Yohannes awakens
Maybe today, this bad luck changes
Shuts his eyes - just a few more minutes
Then it's back to the dump--Again milk the pain more. 
Cardboard blanket--Great image though the cardboard blanket probably belongs with the sleeps stanza not the awakens and then he needs to be rained on.

~~~

Janet showers
Puts on her powder, and face
Looks in the mirror
Just as she feared
Despite what she paid
Still not the right shade

First world problems
It's a shame we've got 'em
These first world problems

It's a pain to solve 'em
Yeah, such a pain to solve 'em
These first world problems

I hope some of that helps. Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd - some great points raised in your post. I'll put some thought into it - esp agree that last Yohannes verse needs amplification of contrast. Not sure I agree with your comments that songs are less restrictive than poetry though - a song is limited by what sounds right in the musical accompaniment - chord progressions, melody line, meter etc. But what limits a poem? (besides another poet's assessment of its structure )
Cheers
Paul