12-03-2014, 08:44 PM
Greetings Eileen, wonderful to see you back posting again. I am a real tree-hugger and adore arboreal poems.
Is the reference to the lime tree in your title referring to yourself, as you do in the poem? If so, would ‘Heir’ be more appropriate than ‘Da’, as in ‘Here, stands a lime tree’ verses ‘There, stands a lime tree’? Perhaps another stanza in the poem incorporating the citrus fruit itself would connect the title to the poem more and extend your metaphor.
In stanza one, do you need the ‘blankets’ along with the ‘quilts,’ the latter should suffice. There’s a similar redundancy/contradiction in stanza two: Is ‘underfoot’ necessary,’ when the ‘hand’ is the subject of the stanza. I am not certain, but perhaps inverting ‘rivulets of sap’( you can) ‘glue’ (the) ‘bark on soft palms.’
Stanza three is my favorite!
In your final stanza, are your ‘hands clasped’ by the roots of the tree. Maybe inverting the line with something like: ‘By the roots, hands clasped:…’ would be more apropos.
I hope something herein helps with your next edit, see what you think. I like what you have done here.
Cheers and thanks for sharing your work again./Chris
Is the reference to the lime tree in your title referring to yourself, as you do in the poem? If so, would ‘Heir’ be more appropriate than ‘Da’, as in ‘Here, stands a lime tree’ verses ‘There, stands a lime tree’? Perhaps another stanza in the poem incorporating the citrus fruit itself would connect the title to the poem more and extend your metaphor.
In stanza one, do you need the ‘blankets’ along with the ‘quilts,’ the latter should suffice. There’s a similar redundancy/contradiction in stanza two: Is ‘underfoot’ necessary,’ when the ‘hand’ is the subject of the stanza. I am not certain, but perhaps inverting ‘rivulets of sap’( you can) ‘glue’ (the) ‘bark on soft palms.’
Stanza three is my favorite!
In your final stanza, are your ‘hands clasped’ by the roots of the tree. Maybe inverting the line with something like: ‘By the roots, hands clasped:…’ would be more apropos.
I hope something herein helps with your next edit, see what you think. I like what you have done here.
Cheers and thanks for sharing your work again./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris