Orchids

[billy]

the delicious fix is much better, as is the tense fix on the last line, playing devil's advocate i had no problem wit the first stanza now the delicious thing is fixed. the first three line are the simile the last three set the time, at worst a semi colon could be used instead of a comma. i have to say while enjoying the poem, the titles connection eludes me. some good images throughout the poem that lend a leisurely pace to the life within it.   i would have liked to have seen a stanza about orchids in their to make the title more relevant. a great write nonetheless.

Edit 1.01

Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

I can remember, not sure this line is needed but if it is, why not give it it's own line (with a line space below as well as above and italicize it?
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway;
our bed adrift at sea;
when love was raw
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d this feels like a week line. i'm sure it would be easy enough  to move buy up and do a small change on the enjambment with a few of the other lines in order to make the line stronger.

I thought I’d buy some
orchids for you
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed i like the frivolity of this line and the enjambment 
October into oblivion.


Original

Delicious!

Your morning lips
like poppy seed tea,
served on Sundays,
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock.

Remember when
we played hooky,
and made love among
the looming oaks
of Cibolo Creek?

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laugh
October away.