Orchids

[EileenGreay]

Edit 1.01

Delicious morning lips,
served like poppy seed
tea on Sundays, I'd like to see this simile developed a little more. It's good as it is, but perhaps slightly too nebulous...
when gray skies kept us
inside doing crosswords
until three o’clock. A touching opening, but I do feel that lines 4-6 are stronger than 1-3

I can remember, I'd remove the comma here. And maybe the 'can'.
when a rainy day
meant an island getaway;
our bed adrift at sea; Lovely image, though makes me think of a Duffy poem, 'Anne Hathaway'.
when love was raw
and yielding as
April's lithe sun.

I thought I’d
buy some orchids
for you on your birthday,
so we could watch them
wither as we laughed
October into oblivion. I think 'oblivion' is a bit too grandiose... it jars slightly with the domestic simplicity of the rest of the poem. In larger terms, I'd like to see how this stanza works in a different tense, and slightly more broken up. For instance: 'I bought some orchids / for your birthday. / We watched them / wither as we laughed / October into nothingness.' (Please don't take this as a rewriting because I think my version is definitely inferior to your original. I merely wanted to show how a different tense could work.)

I very much like this – and what an improvement on the first version. Apologies that I don't have too much feedback to give. It's really very good, so looking forward to seeing how it develops!