Blackout
#7
(11-24-2014, 09:07 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh, (I like the image these two lines give.)
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.  (Perhaps you mean dog's*.  There's too much wording in this line.  It's a bit of a mouthful and uncomfortable to read in my head.  Maybe move the order of the words around or select different words to help it flow easier?)
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle (The comma isn't necessary, and it creates an awkward pause for me.)
grids of power into knots of wire. ("knots" is redundant to the previous stanza where you use "tangle".)
 
In a cave outside town, (I would suggest putting "of" between "outside" and "town".  It feels like the sentence cuts off too soon, and again, is awkward to read.)
sleeping bears cuddle as usual. ("as usual" is weak and far from poetic for me.  Surely there are hundreds of different ways to convey this image without using the basic phrase "as usual"?)
Overall it's a fine poem, and with some minor editing it could really pack a punch with how short and simple it is.  Keep it up.
"Place nothing above the verdict of your own mind."
- Ayn Rand
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Messages In This Thread
Blackout - by Wjames - 11-24-2014, 09:07 AM
RE: Blackout - by makeshift - 11-24-2014, 03:29 PM
RE: Blackout - by Liz11 - 11-25-2014, 01:16 PM
RE: Blackout - by WildMel - 11-25-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: Blackout - by azure - 11-28-2014, 04:53 PM
RE: Blackout - by paulcanuck - 11-28-2014, 10:54 PM
RE: Blackout - by Eluoh - 12-02-2014, 11:59 AM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-10-2014, 02:10 PM
RE: Blackout - by billy - 12-10-2014, 07:09 PM
RE: Blackout - by QDeathstar - 12-11-2014, 10:18 AM
RE: Blackout - by Samantha Susan - 12-11-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-12-2014, 07:22 AM
RE: Blackout - by BW BRINE - 12-16-2014, 12:44 PM
RE: Blackout - by jtrom1010 - 12-17-2014, 01:19 AM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-18-2014, 02:03 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-19-2014, 03:46 PM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-19-2014, 04:01 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-19-2014, 04:34 PM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-23-2014, 04:03 PM
RE: Blackout - by tectak - 12-23-2014, 07:04 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 01-01-2015, 03:45 AM



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