The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room
#11
(11-26-2014, 07:29 PM)makeshift Wrote:  A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.
I think the ambiguity of "louder in the earth than my ears" is neither intentional nor good.  Of course I am certain you want to avoid repeating "in" - louder in the earth than in my ears" - but I can't really see an alternative here.
Quote:It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor
This image right here is just about perfect - inspired really, i wish I'd thought of it.
Quote:then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast
minor typo - only 1 'f' in "of".
I think forcing a time sequence in a poem that mostly seems to defy them is a mistake so i would suggest replacing "then" with "and"
Quote:and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.
Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.
this is mostly fine.  There is something sonically ugly about "only me and it" so if it could be reworded all the better.
Quote:I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.
"Its" possessive has no apostrophe.  I wonder if you need the possession at all.  This might be a place where some ambiguity could be intentional - "I feel the concaves colliding with mine"
Overall, I think it is fantastic.  The line breaks are surprisingly good in such short lines, the image is drawn perfectly, the sonics are pleasant.  i wouldn't mind more closure to the metaphor but it is also fine as it is - left dangling.
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading.
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Messages In This Thread
The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room - by makeshift - 11-26-2014, 07:29 PM
RE: The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room - by Eluoh - 11-27-2014, 03:57 AM
RE: The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room - by Todd - 12-01-2014, 01:59 PM
RE: The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room - by billy - 12-01-2014, 10:34 PM
RE: The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room - by milo - 12-02-2014, 11:43 AM



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