Empty Cave (Revision 3)

[just mercedes]

It is not the dark,
the slick wet,
the cold chain,
the pictures
on the wall. I think too many 'the' here.

It is not the game,
face-fixed, calling out:
horse, pig, soldier--in flickers
like a fever  I really like the effect of this stanza break - the form echoes the content


dream. It is not 
the echo,
the lisp from the fire, great imagery!
but life that passes
from behind—a life 'passes from behind' made me pause, not sure what you intended though  the near rhyme with outlines' is nice
of outlines.

It is the scream of the eyes
beyond the mouth. good!
It is the horse. 
Yes! The horse, then the release The horse from Guernica? That's what I saw. I like the Yes! too.

and the return
beneath the dividing line, 
the separation, 
shadows coalescing, 
to know and be fully known. I want to take this last line out, end with the shadows coalescing.

~~~

Something I did about 3 years ago, but bena's thread made me think of it. I cut a line, adjusted some line breaks, and wanted to see if it worked. I would have posted the earlier thread but trying to do the update there messed up the fonts of the poem and added a ton of spaces between the stanza breaks rather than mess with it I reposted.

I enjoyed the read of your poem - thanks for posting!