11-29-2014, 09:11 AM
I'm really liking the ideas that you've got in here Keith.
The fine detail of 'dermatitis hands' and the double meaning of 'connecting' in S1 are a good start for the setup of the whole story ahead.
Stanza3 is an excellent idea and I really like it, but it does seem somewhat out of place with the rest of the poem in its style. It is almost a short poem in itself and those first 3 lines in it are excellent.
I was also a bit confused with "He burned his brightest into mirrored chrome", and because of the final stanza I thought it may be a drug reference, perhaps mirrors in nightclubs, mirrors with lines of coke???
The last stanza is a fine ending with some good images, I particularly like the line "but the morning paper always unfolded with a coffee and a shave" which tells so much more.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
The fine detail of 'dermatitis hands' and the double meaning of 'connecting' in S1 are a good start for the setup of the whole story ahead.
Stanza3 is an excellent idea and I really like it, but it does seem somewhat out of place with the rest of the poem in its style. It is almost a short poem in itself and those first 3 lines in it are excellent.
I was also a bit confused with "He burned his brightest into mirrored chrome", and because of the final stanza I thought it may be a drug reference, perhaps mirrors in nightclubs, mirrors with lines of coke???
The last stanza is a fine ending with some good images, I particularly like the line "but the morning paper always unfolded with a coffee and a shave" which tells so much more.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie