11-28-2014, 08:20 PM
Note: I'm editing by American usage--kick edits that aren't right
Proofer's edit
Bored
--I'm expecting a treatise on interesting things
On listening;
[omit extra space]
A passing bus rattles
--tech should be a "bus's passing rattles," but no prob
interior doors in softwood frames[.]
[K]eyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
Th[is] ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.
On looking up;
Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin[,] and flies vibrate
webs [as] beat[ing a] drum['s] skins.
--more tech correct, but ungainly. Take it or leave it
On looking inward;
The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.
On looking at others;
Strangers to the view["," or "of"]
their abstractions deciphered["," or "and"]
filed, locked away["," or "--"]
meaningless.
[omit extra space]
On Looking...
[this last emboldened line confuses me--is it a retitling?]
Copy edit:
On listening;
A [out:"passing," understood] bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
--bumble. You've got two verbs, emit and dictated. They're interchangeable.
----perhaps more pointedly, "emit" doesn't work.
------it's weird to say that code was emitted
------contrast "tapped keyboard keys tap Morse code tapped to screen"
The [out: "ubiquitous" as understood] hum
serenades the inner ear.
--I can't figure how "inner" creates an image that works better than just "serenades the ear"
--mini-macro: the above stanza is forced. It says this, basically: "struck keys make the sound of struck keys." The idea of Morse code only serves to confuse, as do the other images
On looking up;
Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.
--"beaten" and "skins" are understood
On looking inward;
The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.
--it seems like there's an idea of time passing here, but it's unsaid. That is, I read "On looking inward;" as "Then, upon looking inward"
--why "inward" and not "in"?
On looking at others;
Strangers to the view[,]
their abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away[,]
meaningless.
--"at others" looses the parallelism. Why not "On looking out"?
--what's the meaning here?
----I'll address this in the macro
Macro:
Here's my summary if the narrative:
A bus rattles the room so intensely that the keyboard registers its passage.
Distracted by the bus, the narrator notes the parallel between the wires registering inputs and spiders webs registering inputs.
The narrator takes the occasional distraction of the bus to perform some self-reflection. He notes his fragility as a counterpoint to a child's life.
Strangers who notice the narrator's profound moment cannot access it's profundity.
--said more succinctly, the poem is this: "Jarred from typing, I find myself registering as important certain things that onlookers don't register as important."
----I feel like that's a good start, but I don't think the poem concludes.
If I'm wrong, I completely accept that.
crow
Proofer's edit
Bored
--I'm expecting a treatise on interesting things
On listening;
[omit extra space]
A passing bus rattles
--tech should be a "bus's passing rattles," but no prob
interior doors in softwood frames[.]
[K]eyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
Th[is] ubiquitous hum
serenades the inner ear.
On looking up;
Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin[,] and flies vibrate
webs [as] beat[ing a] drum['s] skins.
--more tech correct, but ungainly. Take it or leave it
On looking inward;
The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.
On looking at others;
Strangers to the view["," or "of"]
their abstractions deciphered["," or "and"]
filed, locked away["," or "--"]
meaningless.
[omit extra space]
On Looking...
[this last emboldened line confuses me--is it a retitling?]
Copy edit:
On listening;
A [out:"passing," understood] bus rattles
interior doors in softwood frames,
keyboard keys emit hollow Morse
code dictated to screen.
--bumble. You've got two verbs, emit and dictated. They're interchangeable.
----perhaps more pointedly, "emit" doesn't work.
------it's weird to say that code was emitted
------contrast "tapped keyboard keys tap Morse code tapped to screen"
The [out: "ubiquitous" as understood] hum
serenades the inner ear.
--I can't figure how "inner" creates an image that works better than just "serenades the ear"
--mini-macro: the above stanza is forced. It says this, basically: "struck keys make the sound of struck keys." The idea of Morse code only serves to confuse, as do the other images
On looking up;
Coving covers lines
between walls and ceiling.
Spiders spin and flies vibrate
webs like beaten drum skins.
--"beaten" and "skins" are understood
On looking inward;
The man no longer
of present or past
a child, parent
heart beat frail.
Blood thinner from life
happy with mistakes.
--it seems like there's an idea of time passing here, but it's unsaid. That is, I read "On looking inward;" as "Then, upon looking inward"
--why "inward" and not "in"?
On looking at others;
Strangers to the view[,]
their abstractions deciphered
filed, locked away[,]
meaningless.
--"at others" looses the parallelism. Why not "On looking out"?
--what's the meaning here?
----I'll address this in the macro
Macro:
Here's my summary if the narrative:
A bus rattles the room so intensely that the keyboard registers its passage.
Distracted by the bus, the narrator notes the parallel between the wires registering inputs and spiders webs registering inputs.
The narrator takes the occasional distraction of the bus to perform some self-reflection. He notes his fragility as a counterpoint to a child's life.
Strangers who notice the narrator's profound moment cannot access it's profundity.
--said more succinctly, the poem is this: "Jarred from typing, I find myself registering as important certain things that onlookers don't register as important."
----I feel like that's a good start, but I don't think the poem concludes.
If I'm wrong, I completely accept that.
crow
A yak is normal.