11-28-2014, 04:53 PM
(11-24-2014, 09:07 AM)Wjames Wrote: Reading by firelight I instantly thought of comfort, security, pleasure, night time. This line is simple but it did draw me in.I enjoyed this poem's warmth and sense of security it lends me, the reader. It was decent in it's totality, but some of the lines need some smoothing out because they dilute the imagery. Also I suggest that some minor clarfication might be needed in the poem to tone down the ambiguity a bit. Thanks for the read.
in a huddled mass of flesh, Now I see that this 'huddled mass of flesh' is a person with dogs/cats/children snuggled beside them while reading. It is slightly ambiguous though, and for the sake of the readers maybe you could give some clarification as to what this huddled mass is/or composed of.
the family dogs yawn echoes peace. I have some issues with this line. It just doesn't read right and it seems confusing to me and doesn't define a clear image in my mind. Re-word this possibly.
Outside, snow and wind tangle I could already tell from the use of the word 'firelight' that it was snowing outside which helped created that cozy feel of the poem itself.
grids of power into knots of wire. so its the snow caused the blackout. Nice subtle clarification.
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual. the ending was nice, the scene change gave the poem more of a loving or affectionate nature. Although, I think you could enhance the imagery by rewording the last line a bit.
Azure
cliche my forte

