Unread Epitaph edit 0.0000001 requiem

[tectak]

Aw. Sad face. The avatar? Lingua in maxillam...not sad But its got feels and imagery, so I like it a lot. A few suggestions:
Lines 2 and 3 are contradictory - the narrator says they long to be free, but in the next breath calls freedom a fallacy whilst you survive. Different thing altogether.. Pick one. That part will make more sense, and if you need something else to call a fallacy, there are lots of options to choose from. but only one means "fallacy"
From the beginning, go 14 lines down... "and in a cage, we rage..." Rage Cage... Nick Cage... Ugh... But I digress. Why does the "vexatious" (it's a "t," not a "c") good catch. Thanks.nature of time make people so angry in your poem when, from the people I know, it's pretty much accepted as a part of life, without much quarrel? Clarification would be nice. Do you know anyone over 70?
And... maybe this is just a "me" problem, but I don't like how "cage" and "rage" rhyme with each other Why? I'm curious as well as "age" from the previous line... it's also the only triple-rhyme-y thing in the poem. Maybe put a different emotion in there and switch things around so that the line ends with "cage," keeping the regular rhyme scheme... or just find another word instead of cage, such as "grasp" or "clasp."
Moving down some more, "Though now I rant against my slot... as in "slotted in" aliteration is one of my things. slot-allotted" Maybe "lot" instead of "slot," as one's lot is their luck or whatever fate has decided for them (and that seems to be what you're going on about). No. You have no choice of birth or not....that is all
Finally, the next line - the specificity (is that a word?) of "dementia" is off-putting... ONLY the demented are allowed to hear your voice and would then forget it, which is the whole point of the piece..and Altzheimers didn't fit if you're looking to keep the same syllable count that the line already has, consider changing its beginning to "Let one with insanity" or something.
Other than that, great job. Good luck! (and remain fit and well )
Many thanks for this considered crit. Credit for vexatious....not a word I use often!
The dementia is moot as I really couldn't fit in Altzheimers.
Best,
tectak

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