11-27-2014, 07:46 AM
Androgyny is a very peculiar and interesting topic to write a poem about. I was able to pick up most of the main points, but unfortunately the organization, or perhaps a lack of explanation, made this piece somewhat incoherent.
Stanza 1, line 3: Redundant because it was already stated in the first line. It seemed to me that the idea was that girls with short hair feel differently about things than girls with long hair do...? If that's what you meant, elaborate on that idea a bit more, and explain what it's like now that the narrator has short hair.
Stanza 1, lines 4 and 5: is it meant that the narrator's girlfriend has cut her hair short as well? Specify this for improved clarity.
Stanza 2 kinda just confused me. What exactly is it that the narrator "feeling in herself?"
As far as the last stanza goes, I might suggest taking "boys" out of the last line and replacing it with "them" to avoid unwanted repetition.
I think your poem has awesome-sauce potential
The ideas in the poem just really need to be elaborated upon and explained in greater detail and clarity.
Stanza 1, line 3: Redundant because it was already stated in the first line. It seemed to me that the idea was that girls with short hair feel differently about things than girls with long hair do...? If that's what you meant, elaborate on that idea a bit more, and explain what it's like now that the narrator has short hair.
Stanza 1, lines 4 and 5: is it meant that the narrator's girlfriend has cut her hair short as well? Specify this for improved clarity.
Stanza 2 kinda just confused me. What exactly is it that the narrator "feeling in herself?"
As far as the last stanza goes, I might suggest taking "boys" out of the last line and replacing it with "them" to avoid unwanted repetition.
I think your poem has awesome-sauce potential
The ideas in the poem just really need to be elaborated upon and explained in greater detail and clarity.