11-24-2014, 05:41 PM
This poem was difficult to read. I think your similes are solid and give some unique insights but they're over shadowed by grammar issues, the syntax, and all the modifying words. The first sentence for example, I like the idea with the motorist, where life is a road and potholes are social discomforts, that makes sense and despite never riding a motorcycle I can imagine what it might feel like to meet a pothole with caution. But the way that sentence functions doesn't really make sense, I'd expect something more like "An obstacle crops up, forcing emotion. In conditions of social discomfort, slow down, like a motorist cautiously adjusting as he spots potholes" Thats probably not perfect either, and maybe it doesn't say exactly what your trying to say but I think its easier to read. Anyway its your poem, just my 2 cents > . <
Thnx for sharing.
Thnx for sharing.