Blackout
#2
(11-24-2014, 09:07 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh, First two lines make me think of cavemen with firelight and the flesh huddling. Maybe "huddled mass of flesh" is a bit ambiguous I was thinking a group of people are huddled together but part of me also wants to think there using dead animal flesh to keep warm, anyway I don't think its a bad ambiguity. The next line gets a family and dog in the picture, so perhaps thats the flesh mass.
the family dogs yawn echoes peace. Should this be dog's yawn? I like the image here, I think I know exactly the type of dog yawn your describing lol. My nitpick here is that the line was a little hard to say/wrap my head around the first time, just seems like there might be a simpler way to express the notion but I do like how the yawn is echoing peace yet you kind of get the feeling that the yawn is also echoing in space. 
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire. I like this strophe, its not essential for me since the title already says something similar but it gives a good feel of the weather + power of nature. Good image. 
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.  The ending here makes me think about how dependent we are on electricity and with cavemen in my mind I think how that dependency came from an "evolution" maybe we should be more primitive??? The bears never needed fire, but I guess dogs adapted to need it, idk. I like that the dog is at peace also, it kinda reinforces the idea. The whole poem has a nice feel with the cold vs hearth. I'd consider cutting "as usual" at the end here, I think the reader can get it without that, but maybe I don't get it >.< 
Left my 2 cents, thnx for sharing. ^^7
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Messages In This Thread
Blackout - by Wjames - 11-24-2014, 09:07 AM
RE: Blackout - by makeshift - 11-24-2014, 03:29 PM
RE: Blackout - by Liz11 - 11-25-2014, 01:16 PM
RE: Blackout - by WildMel - 11-25-2014, 02:31 PM
RE: Blackout - by azure - 11-28-2014, 04:53 PM
RE: Blackout - by paulcanuck - 11-28-2014, 10:54 PM
RE: Blackout - by Eluoh - 12-02-2014, 11:59 AM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-10-2014, 02:10 PM
RE: Blackout - by billy - 12-10-2014, 07:09 PM
RE: Blackout - by QDeathstar - 12-11-2014, 10:18 AM
RE: Blackout - by Samantha Susan - 12-11-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-12-2014, 07:22 AM
RE: Blackout - by BW BRINE - 12-16-2014, 12:44 PM
RE: Blackout - by jtrom1010 - 12-17-2014, 01:19 AM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-18-2014, 02:03 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-19-2014, 03:46 PM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-19-2014, 04:01 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 12-19-2014, 04:34 PM
RE: Blackout - by Pyxx - 12-23-2014, 04:03 PM
RE: Blackout - by tectak - 12-23-2014, 07:04 PM
RE: Blackout - by Wjames - 01-01-2015, 03:45 AM



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