11-24-2014, 02:28 AM
I have lots of advice, and please don't take any of it the wrong way. It's not an attack on you, and you will only grow from this advice....
Don't use archaic or antiquated language (like doth)
Don't force rhymes. Most of the time this is just to serve a means----get me to that end rhyme no matter what! (Surround me does this sea)
A great way to avoid this is to vary the rhyme pattern. Right now everything in the first stanza rhymes, and then everything in the second does. If you switch it up, you won't be struggling with forcing your rhymes.
As to meter....well...yours in this sooooo wonky.
Think of it as a song, or a heart beat.
Each line needs about the same, or close to it, beats or lub-dubs. (<
Motionless<<,>> I yield<<,>> my plea
I was trying to figure out how you were yielding to your own plea.
Your title was the best thing about this because it has a double meaning. We all know we punch time clocks---but the word play of time so close to clock is fantastic.
You didn't ask about writing a love poem, but I'm going to give you unsolicited advice anyway. Don't until you get better command of your artistry. They tend to be sappy and crammed pack of clichés. Everyone who's ever lived has been in love, so it's realllly hard to find something fresh to say. I would suggest writing more poems about anything but love for a while. If it's to please your significant other, well, that person would love to get it and not judge....but don't do a love poem in general for us 'til you've mastered everything I listed above.
This is a learning and workshopping site, so I hope I've not scared you away!
Believe me, I'm still learning after nearly 40 years of writing poetry.
WELCOME!!!!
bena
Don't use archaic or antiquated language (like doth)
Don't force rhymes. Most of the time this is just to serve a means----get me to that end rhyme no matter what! (Surround me does this sea)
A great way to avoid this is to vary the rhyme pattern. Right now everything in the first stanza rhymes, and then everything in the second does. If you switch it up, you won't be struggling with forcing your rhymes.
As to meter....well...yours in this sooooo wonky.
Think of it as a song, or a heart beat.
Each line needs about the same, or close to it, beats or lub-dubs. (<
Motionless<<,>> I yield<<,>> my plea
I was trying to figure out how you were yielding to your own plea.
Your title was the best thing about this because it has a double meaning. We all know we punch time clocks---but the word play of time so close to clock is fantastic.
You didn't ask about writing a love poem, but I'm going to give you unsolicited advice anyway. Don't until you get better command of your artistry. They tend to be sappy and crammed pack of clichés. Everyone who's ever lived has been in love, so it's realllly hard to find something fresh to say. I would suggest writing more poems about anything but love for a while. If it's to please your significant other, well, that person would love to get it and not judge....but don't do a love poem in general for us 'til you've mastered everything I listed above.
This is a learning and workshopping site, so I hope I've not scared you away!
Believe me, I'm still learning after nearly 40 years of writing poetry.
WELCOME!!!!
bena