11-23-2014, 06:10 AM
ellajam wrote: "Hi, dale, I think the last line could do more, "covers the floor" doesn't appeal to me, floods or tidal waves or perfume to bring up the bleach scent, something more."
Yes, I understand what you are saying and I thought about that, but I do not want bleach to be more of the focus than it is. I was thinking more in terms of the liquid shinning. Flood would be the closest. However, the phrase "covers the floor" I hoped would bring to mind the allusion of the "waters covered the earth" at possibly a subconscious level...maybe not
I think the idea of the smell of bleach is so powerfully associated it really does not need to be punctuated. I meant the focus to be on the cyclic nature of things, humans as well as buildings, but other wise, yes, it would be good to enhance the smell aspect of the bleach, although I think I would still use something like "sheet" across the floor.
Thanks for your comments, always thoughtful and beneficial,
dale
Yes, I understand what you are saying and I thought about that, but I do not want bleach to be more of the focus than it is. I was thinking more in terms of the liquid shinning. Flood would be the closest. However, the phrase "covers the floor" I hoped would bring to mind the allusion of the "waters covered the earth" at possibly a subconscious level...maybe not
I think the idea of the smell of bleach is so powerfully associated it really does not need to be punctuated. I meant the focus to be on the cyclic nature of things, humans as well as buildings, but other wise, yes, it would be good to enhance the smell aspect of the bleach, although I think I would still use something like "sheet" across the floor. Thanks for your comments, always thoughtful and beneficial,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.