11-22-2014, 03:14 AM
Azure,
If, when I am reading a poem, a trope jumps out at me, waves it's hand, and says, "oh look I am being used", this is generally not a good thing.
"a phlegmy attempt to rise from tattered futon feebly" Yes this is assonance, it also makes little sense and is very obvious. I would suggest that you had something like "listless(ly)" and then got out your thesaurus and just happened on "phlegm(ly)". I've done it many times myself trying to find new ways to say things. In this case you get an "A" for effort but an "F" for execution.
Enjambment is like super glue, a little goes a long ways and should be used judiciously with skill or not at all. Enjambment is a way to split a single word between two thoughts, it is not used as embellishment, or for emphasis. It should not be used unless one has an solid idea about what one is writing, which is not happening here. As in your last poem, I believe I can guess at what you mean to say, but I am the reader, it is not my job to guess. It is the writers job to write clearly enough that no guessing is needed. There is no expounding of great unknown and difficult thoughts here. This is fairly well covered ground, not just in poetry, but in prose, in music, stage, and film. Let's look at a sentence. I always write my sentences out in a single line to make sure they make sense, and as it is easier to see errors that way.
"I blacked-out in the same position as yesterday screaming politics into ears half deafened by Jim Morrison on repeat screeching I did it again, I don’t know where I am."
One of the first things we could assume, simply from the length is that this is a run on sentence, and we see that it is. Run on sentences make no more sense in poetry than they do in prose.
You probably did not "black-out in the same position as yesterday", as "black-out" means that you are up and doing things, talking and interacting with people, but nothing is getting recorded in memory. So it makes no sense to say you black-outed in such and such place, as you would not remember. Pass-out would be the correct phrase.
The question of who is "screeching I did it again" is up for debate. Is that person the speaker, or is it Jim Morrison? This cannot be ascertained from the sentence. Same with "I don’t know where I am."
As this is mild I'll stop there. Do not be discouraged, we all have to go through difficult things to improve, and that continues no matter how long you do this poetry thing.
Dale
If, when I am reading a poem, a trope jumps out at me, waves it's hand, and says, "oh look I am being used", this is generally not a good thing.
"a phlegmy attempt to rise from tattered futon feebly" Yes this is assonance, it also makes little sense and is very obvious. I would suggest that you had something like "listless(ly)" and then got out your thesaurus and just happened on "phlegm(ly)". I've done it many times myself trying to find new ways to say things. In this case you get an "A" for effort but an "F" for execution.
Enjambment is like super glue, a little goes a long ways and should be used judiciously with skill or not at all. Enjambment is a way to split a single word between two thoughts, it is not used as embellishment, or for emphasis. It should not be used unless one has an solid idea about what one is writing, which is not happening here. As in your last poem, I believe I can guess at what you mean to say, but I am the reader, it is not my job to guess. It is the writers job to write clearly enough that no guessing is needed. There is no expounding of great unknown and difficult thoughts here. This is fairly well covered ground, not just in poetry, but in prose, in music, stage, and film. Let's look at a sentence. I always write my sentences out in a single line to make sure they make sense, and as it is easier to see errors that way.
"I blacked-out in the same position as yesterday screaming politics into ears half deafened by Jim Morrison on repeat screeching I did it again, I don’t know where I am."
One of the first things we could assume, simply from the length is that this is a run on sentence, and we see that it is. Run on sentences make no more sense in poetry than they do in prose.
You probably did not "black-out in the same position as yesterday", as "black-out" means that you are up and doing things, talking and interacting with people, but nothing is getting recorded in memory. So it makes no sense to say you black-outed in such and such place, as you would not remember. Pass-out would be the correct phrase.
The question of who is "screeching I did it again" is up for debate. Is that person the speaker, or is it Jim Morrison? This cannot be ascertained from the sentence. Same with "I don’t know where I am."
As this is mild I'll stop there. Do not be discouraged, we all have to go through difficult things to improve, and that continues no matter how long you do this poetry thing.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.