11-20-2014, 01:44 AM
I love most of this. In fact, I agree with Tom on most of what he's said. I adore the first stanza but it's probably the strongest.
In S3---not sure why everyone in the world has hopped on some stupid trend of using "happy" as a noun--it has, and never will be. It's an adjective! It has to be happiness, if you want to satisfy me, but there are other weaknesses in this stanza. Mostly that you've not given us a single solid image to grasp hold of, gimme something to grapple---and I'll follow into all the obscurity.
I think the last S is either weak or strong, depending on viewpoint. I know you and your love for ambiguity, so thinking that others have to decipher it, and the N, means much. But how does it read when a cold stranger reads it first time?
Not sure. Not sure we'll ever know. But I think locked away needs a comma after it, or they'll end up re-reading that last S about four times trying to do said deciphering. I know I did. But then, I'm the punctuation police. I know this piece is using line breaks as punct...
I do it all the time. Doesn't mean it's right or most easily read
love ya,
mel.
In S3---not sure why everyone in the world has hopped on some stupid trend of using "happy" as a noun--it has, and never will be. It's an adjective! It has to be happiness, if you want to satisfy me, but there are other weaknesses in this stanza. Mostly that you've not given us a single solid image to grasp hold of, gimme something to grapple---and I'll follow into all the obscurity.
I think the last S is either weak or strong, depending on viewpoint. I know you and your love for ambiguity, so thinking that others have to decipher it, and the N, means much. But how does it read when a cold stranger reads it first time?
Not sure. Not sure we'll ever know. But I think locked away needs a comma after it, or they'll end up re-reading that last S about four times trying to do said deciphering. I know I did. But then, I'm the punctuation police. I know this piece is using line breaks as punct...
I do it all the time. Doesn't mean it's right or most easily read
love ya,
mel.