11-19-2014, 03:52 PM
Hello,
a lot has already been said about this, so I will be brief and as I haven't read all the comments, forgive any reiteration. also forgive my typing, my hands are very shaky which makes it slow and hard work typing.
Revision
At the moment of birth
you move into focus - Personally I think the wording of the opening could be improved by using Born instead of birth; the way it is now sounds a bit blunt and clunky... I was thinking 'as soon as you're born...', but if i remember correctly that is the opening to Working Class Hero
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air. - Jaundice could be used as a verb (i suppose), but not here; it is simply incomprehensible and leaves the reader trying to rearrange the stanza in a desperate attempt to make some kind of sense of it; and, as it doesn't make any sense as a verb, the astute reader will conclude 'it's missing a comma'.
The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.
Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin. -I am undecided about this. On the one hand I like the doubling up of the phrase 'some flannel', but it comes at a price, namely, it just doesn't sound very good. In fact, now I think about it, I would actually remove the some and just have 'flannel' because flannel is flannel it retains the duality of meaning; actuaaly enhances it.
Every orifice is plugged. - This is a great line, and that is about all I have to say about that.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. - All of this is great! just one thing that if it were mine, I don't like the word choice 'lack'. I would simplify and just: you have no soul. Regardless, this is for me a poem on its own. It's one of those times when I read something I wish I had written. I am envious, damn it's good.
Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.
You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump. - why bump? are you trying to avoid 'knock'? if so, I think it is unnecessary.
I’m already pregnant
once again.
I like the poem and the middle section is near perfect. 'and after thoughts just rot inside your skin'... just great! thanks.
a lot has already been said about this, so I will be brief and as I haven't read all the comments, forgive any reiteration. also forgive my typing, my hands are very shaky which makes it slow and hard work typing.
Revision
At the moment of birth
you move into focus - Personally I think the wording of the opening could be improved by using Born instead of birth; the way it is now sounds a bit blunt and clunky... I was thinking 'as soon as you're born...', but if i remember correctly that is the opening to Working Class Hero
my eyes burn
at deformities
and jaundice
the way you gulp for air. - Jaundice could be used as a verb (i suppose), but not here; it is simply incomprehensible and leaves the reader trying to rearrange the stanza in a desperate attempt to make some kind of sense of it; and, as it doesn't make any sense as a verb, the astute reader will conclude 'it's missing a comma'.
The cord is broken
blood sponged up
and wedding robes
are coarsely cut.
Some flannel wipes
the spittle from your chin. -I am undecided about this. On the one hand I like the doubling up of the phrase 'some flannel', but it comes at a price, namely, it just doesn't sound very good. In fact, now I think about it, I would actually remove the some and just have 'flannel' because flannel is flannel it retains the duality of meaning; actuaaly enhances it.
Every orifice is plugged. - This is a great line, and that is about all I have to say about that.
You lack a soul
and afterthoughts
just rot inside your skin. - All of this is great! just one thing that if it were mine, I don't like the word choice 'lack'. I would simplify and just: you have no soul. Regardless, this is for me a poem on its own. It's one of those times when I read something I wish I had written. I am envious, damn it's good.
Sprinkle scent
spread the shroud
count the mourners
bearing flowers.
You sink beneath
the weight of others
give or take
an occasional bump. - why bump? are you trying to avoid 'knock'? if so, I think it is unnecessary.
I’m already pregnant
once again.
I like the poem and the middle section is near perfect. 'and after thoughts just rot inside your skin'... just great! thanks.