I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you azure for your feedback. Significant re-wording is in order to credibly communicate the Incredible love theme. Also vocabulary refinements.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

A mother's love in undoubtedly powerful, but equally there are mothers who murder their infants and throw them into dumpsters like unwanted garbage. Sorry if I seem a bit harsh and negative, but when you use a subject matter like this, I feel as though it's overuse tends to make people disregard the flip side of such sing-song loveliness. The world is not all love and roses, but I'm sure I don't have to remind you.

Unfortunately, I don't think you adequately showed me the validity of your poetic sentiment with your current use of language. For example:


I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. Cut Alas.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. Cut very

It is plain to see that you attempted to express, that a mother's love is so 'beautiful', 'wonderful', and 'very clean and pure', it can span whatever distance, and therein lies its eternal beauty and truth. For one, This hard to write about without lapsing into the use of cliches, which you did, and especially when you aren't experienced enough as a writer. Alas, you tried to stress certain aspects and characteristics of the subject matter which was repetitive and lacked originality. Also there are some words in here like I suggest you cut, for they take away from the expression and weigh the piece down, seeing as you were going for a certain lightness of tone.

Overall, I can feel the sincerity of your expression, but it didn't impact me because of your repetitiveness and lack of originality. This poem needs some work. Lets both keep honing our craft.

Azure