I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you for the feedback paranoid marvin. Vocabulary refinements or re-wordings are in order to improve clarity and/or context.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Lots of emotion in this poem , I do like it.

A few suggestions though...



I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

'Alas' doesn't sit well with the rest of the poem. Why is the person writing the verse unhappy to see and hear this?


But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

'It' would work in the first stanza when we don't know what is being describing. Now it should be 'them'.

Also as it's sound would 'clear' sound better than 'clean'? I wonder if  you may have used this  because you had already used 'clear' when describing the image. Perhaps the image could be described as 'vivid and clean' or 'vivid and sharp' (the softer 'clean' sounds better).

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I'd be tempted to use 'they are blessed by it' rather than 'for it'. I'd also consider using 'the love' rather than 'a love' in this context.



I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

Would 'show' sound better than 'bring'? Nothing wrong with using 'I challenge' twice either. And as the poem has been about a mother and her children to this point, I would consider using 'children' instead of 'child'

Another option is this

'I challenge the world to show me something greater
Than an innocent child's spontaneous laughter
I challenge the world to show me something stronger
Than a mother's love for her children '


That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Very good finish and I do love the use of the world 'impregnably'. Personally I would use 'the' instead of 'that' , and lose the 'out there' and 'to that' , so

The something I see and hear is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness