Mwaba Don
#13
(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote:  She moves fluidly on a circular stage.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. I dig this line. Is this the moment the lights dim and all eyes are on the dancer?

Slowly I become attractively restless I also didn't get this
as my fear of expression wanes. Or this fear/expression
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly I also don't get soundly ( maybe that'd just me) watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance maybe cut out in dance at the end. Its already clear she's dancing. 
 Okay here's some notes from a critiquing nube.As others have said, you are capturing a moment full of sensory possibilities. I say possibilities because this poem is rife with opportunity for imagery that really brings us there with the audience of the dancer. Also as others have said , I would refrain from using the same words so close together. 
Also maybe this was just me but the end almost felt rushed. Anyway I dig this and am excited to see where this goes. ThAnks Smile  
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Messages In This Thread
Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-20-2014, 10:00 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Tamara - 09-21-2014, 03:04 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:12 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:17 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by billy - 09-21-2014, 05:57 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Mwaba don - 09-21-2014, 10:25 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by beaufort - 09-22-2014, 03:04 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by simmon - 09-22-2014, 06:52 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by RichPy - 09-26-2014, 05:24 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Starbeam - 09-26-2014, 12:30 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by vagabond - 11-18-2014, 11:51 AM
RE: Mwaba Don - by PurpleFluff - 11-18-2014, 01:18 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by azure - 11-18-2014, 10:20 PM
RE: Mwaba Don - by Isaias - 11-23-2014, 03:25 AM



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