Demons dance in a blood-red sky

[ellajam]

Hi, nb, good work here, some notes below.

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie,
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell.
while this is strong  in meter and thought, the aabb scheme seems light for its subject.

Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.
Love this, the meter carries the words beautifully and the force of the breaks is strong.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.
L3 tosses meter to the wind, why? "Ecclesiastes wisely said", I don't like wisely but you can find something better that suits the meter. From wiki:

The title Ecclesiastes is a Latin transliteration of the Greek translation of the Hebrew Koheleth (meaning "Gatherer", but traditionally translated as "Teacher" or "Preacher"[1]), the eponymous author of the book.

Koheleth might give you more room to express your thought. IMO the line can't stand as it is.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance
in danse macabre with quill and lance?
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror!

Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

A really effective read for me, thanks for posting it.