Next morning
#12
(11-13-2014, 11:54 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness, -- You could maybe put minty goodness in quotes as if it were an advertising slogan.
only remnants of another evening to regret, -- I don't think you necessarily need regret here. The extra syllables help with a "flow," but I think the word weakens the content (you know, on a lexical level or something).
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair. -- I'm not sure I like the list descriptors here.

Bunny came from a crowded burrow, -- I think bunny is a pretty good name, if this is fictional.
no distinguishing features,  --
just youth and shyness -- This shows a vulnerability, but it is also done pretty abstractly.
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance, -- I like the pixels because we now have computerized images of the human body that are widely distributed.
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves, -- My urge is to pause after the word become. Is "wild" particularly important, aside from the consonance and the marked quality it gets from leaning towards a spondee? I say that because the next line feels like it can be expressed in a single adjective before wolves. You also have an ossified phrase "old dogs" transforming into a metaphorical use of wolves.
easy to please with flesh. -- flesh is the most important word here, but it seems like this can be more succinct.


Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and -- Maybe a comma before and (it might change things, or make them worse. It's a change I guess). Interesting sound you've created here though.
snap!

Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.
I left some comments. I think there is an interesting aspect of sound where lines end in the middle of lists that could be used to present a type of culture.
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Messages In This Thread
Next morning - by Leanne - 11-13-2014, 11:54 AM
RE: Next morning - by bena - 11-14-2014, 03:30 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-14-2014, 04:47 AM
RE: Next morning - by Brownlie - 11-15-2014, 05:13 AM
RE: Next morning - by bena - 11-14-2014, 04:52 AM
RE: Next morning - by just mercedes - 11-14-2014, 06:02 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-14-2014, 06:04 AM
RE: Next morning - by Keith - 11-14-2014, 09:24 AM
RE: Next morning - by GerryMattia - 11-14-2014, 05:29 PM
RE: Next morning - by Keith - 11-15-2014, 03:42 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-15-2014, 05:00 AM
RE: Next morning - by Brownlie - 11-15-2014, 05:31 AM
RE: Next morning - by milo - 11-15-2014, 07:17 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-15-2014, 07:22 AM
RE: Next morning - by milo - 11-15-2014, 07:27 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-17-2014, 04:13 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-17-2014, 04:25 AM
RE: Next morning - by SimikPK - 11-17-2014, 06:31 AM
RE: Next morning - by tectak - 11-17-2014, 07:01 PM
RE: Next morning - by tectak - 11-17-2014, 11:02 PM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-17-2014, 06:33 AM
RE: Next morning - by SimikPK - 11-17-2014, 06:40 AM
RE: Next morning - by Leanne - 11-17-2014, 07:18 AM



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