11-15-2014, 05:31 AM
(11-13-2014, 11:54 AM)Leanne Wrote: Sunlight glinting on the sink revealsI left some comments. I think there is an interesting aspect of sound where lines end in the middle of lists that could be used to present a type of culture.
there is no minty goodness, -- You could maybe put minty goodness in quotes as if it were an advertising slogan.
only remnants of another evening to regret, -- I don't think you necessarily need regret here. The extra syllables help with a "flow," but I think the word weakens the content (you know, on a lexical level or something).
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair. -- I'm not sure I like the list descriptors here.
Bunny came from a crowded burrow, -- I think bunny is a pretty good name, if this is fictional.
no distinguishing features, --
just youth and shyness -- This shows a vulnerability, but it is also done pretty abstractly.
that lied to her loins. Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.
Pixels look pretty. Smooth, enhance, -- I like the pixels because we now have computerized images of the human body that are widely distributed.
engage. Old dogs become wild wolves, -- My urge is to pause after the word become. Is "wild" particularly important, aside from the consonance and the marked quality it gets from leaning towards a spondee? I say that because the next line feels like it can be expressed in a single adjective before wolves. You also have an ossified phrase "old dogs" transforming into a metaphorical use of wolves.
easy to please with flesh. -- flesh is the most important word here, but it seems like this can be more succinct.
Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and -- Maybe a comma before and (it might change things, or make them worse. It's a change I guess). Interesting sound you've created here though.
snap!
Bunny brushes away the taste
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.

