Spider (content)

[billy]

hi azure and thanks for the thoughtful feedback you've given others.
when i read the poem i know i'm missing something, is it lovemaking, i'm not sure, i see nipple and breast and possibly flume having some kind of sexual role in the poem but i'm only guessing.  have no idea what feshh and sleet is or the context. some of me it's sex while she's sleeping but again i'm not sure. i like the brevity of it and the originality but at present it's too ambiguous. all i'm in need of is one or two pointers (no too overt) that pluck at something in my brain and say's "this is what it's about"

First Edit

Slick with flame
my flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
And drags her feet
While toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth to flume
Spider swoons
I rip and lick
our spasm, tick.

Tock goes the clock
I spit up flies
little Spider dies,
as toenail dries.

Original Version
Slick with pain
flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
and drags her feet
while Toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth the Moon
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes.