Spider (content)

[shemthepenman]

Slick with pain
flesh and sleet - these seem a bit like random word combinations (or a bit TOO random, at least) that don't really fit together. I don't mind illogical, strange, unclear or anything, but these lines seem undisciplined. It leaves the reader wondering if the author knows what they are doing.
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek. - I personally don't really like inversion, it has it's place, but maybe not here. Trouble is, it forces the rhyme, so I am not sure how to amend that and retain the rhyme.


Spider sleeps
and drags her feet - it is unclear what is going here, and not in a good way. Whose feet are being dragged? The 'sleeping' spider's? The owner of the nipple?
while Toenail creeps - capitalized toenail, why? also, I know you are rhyming, but why no article before the noun? Unless that is the reason for the capital T... it is a name
I suck, she shrieks. - I like this part. It brings it together into some kind of focus. We have the mise-en-scène.

Mouth the Moon - capital Moon? but, I do like the image.
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock - I haven't quite digested this, I feel like there is more, so I will just give my first impression which is I am not sure why the 'clock' has any place in this poem, other than rhyme.
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes. - this sounds reductive and forced.

I love poems about creepy crawlies, especially when coupled with sex, so this one appeals to me. I am not entirely certain you were going for the Freudian thing (fear of spiders being the representation of sexual repression, etc.) but that just makes it even more interesting. overall, this is certainly an appealing poem, and has a good idea behind it, but I am just not sure the architecture is so spot on.

thanks.