11-13-2014, 07:58 PM
When I happened upon this passage...I found the format foreign to me. It seems you have three summarized paragraphs instead of say 15-20 organically written verses/stanzas. If you were to refine your passage with those latter verses...perhaps it would be an improved platform to delivering your piece to the reader.
For me...there is the image of your battered and broken down body about to get a 'bath'. The cleansing courtesy of somebody that is part evil and part compassionate. You are fully aware of what is happening in real-time...and the cleansing feels both good and bad. Even though there is a degree of good...you determine the good is not worth it ultimately because the degree of bad means a one-way ticket to doom. The poem ends with the bath trending towards the doom...but this cleansing business is unfinished.
The part highlighted below made no sense to me.
~Unfinished bath~
My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver. <--- 'when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver' is very confusing.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
By K. Adam Wright
For me...there is the image of your battered and broken down body about to get a 'bath'. The cleansing courtesy of somebody that is part evil and part compassionate. You are fully aware of what is happening in real-time...and the cleansing feels both good and bad. Even though there is a degree of good...you determine the good is not worth it ultimately because the degree of bad means a one-way ticket to doom. The poem ends with the bath trending towards the doom...but this cleansing business is unfinished.
The part highlighted below made no sense to me.
~Unfinished bath~
My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver. <--- 'when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver' is very confusing.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
By K. Adam Wright