11-11-2014, 07:11 PM
I think this poem has the potential to be something really interesting actually. What stops it? Well I'm not entirely sure to be honest. Some of the wordplay and sentence structure is definitely off but it's more than that. The way you use your words should be able to give the feel that "The Faceless One" could be anybody. but it feels like the wordplay or rather the lack of it, is holding it back. Otherwise it sounds like you are talking about yourself and I'm not sure that's a great idea in this particular case.