11-10-2014, 08:10 AM
It's commendable that you try to write love poem. As other posters already wrote, this poem is filled with cliches. It could sound good to someone who did not read any love poetry, but when you see few love songs it sounds already seen. If this is related to the specific memory, you could find something really specific about it that makes it special than let's say movie love moments. Then, you try to create imagery around those specific details.
Are you writing this poem for yourself or you'd like to write it for someone in a language that only that person would know it is intended for it and your special moments? In both cases, I'd try to pose the poem in a form such that it would be written in the cipher, using motives and metaphors, such that only one specific person can know that it is aimed at it. As it is written now, many people could find memories that fit into this.
Are you writing this poem for yourself or you'd like to write it for someone in a language that only that person would know it is intended for it and your special moments? In both cases, I'd try to pose the poem in a form such that it would be written in the cipher, using motives and metaphors, such that only one specific person can know that it is aimed at it. As it is written now, many people could find memories that fit into this.