11-10-2014, 05:44 AM
Please use morn. Morn is an absultely adorable noun, and it isn't slang.
according to dictionary.com:
1.
a poetic word for morning
seems perfect use of it to me!
Let's do this whole critique thing, and see if we come out the other side.
This morn' I sat in solitude {that's a drop the apostrophe, not a tiny exclamation point, although that does give me ideas....}
amidst a crowded restaurant, {it's obvious you aren't a Brit or Brit derivative, but you can ask most of those nutters on this site, they love their "amidst"steses. I would personally do one of two things, just use "inside" OR "in a crowded restaurant, amidst-among-amid a crowd}
and mesmerized by
{the} actions that surrounded {without "the" it almost sounds as if the restaurant or crowd are the subjects. This is the problem when writing long, drawn out sentences---ambiguity, dangling participle, misplaced modifiers, and comma splices}
the soda machine; {why not a period here? It would help you avoid the uglies fore mentioned.}
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.
{from the colon to end of stanza 1 it is all uglies. I do know what you mean until the last 3 lines...but. I would replace colon with comma, and just italize your "thoughts" sans semi colon, use a dash---there should be complete sentences in front of and after a semi colon. The last three line as a reader I can't tell if you're chastising them for stealing over and over by getting refills but I think you are.}
A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals.
And I told the men,
that if they the see {the? also not a big fan of starting a sentence with 'and' }crook,
to school him {really dislike this slang. Plus "educate him" would add more assonance} on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.
And{again, blah blah} late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and
asked {wanting?} to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded {I might use "admitted" mostly because I almost always listen to what the poem would sound like as I read: easy to find all the alliteration and assonance, etc.}
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.
And {eek}after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry: {dash not colon...and why enquiry as opposed to inquiry?}
Would you feel cheated
if you bought {If you bought kinda sounds like you are there when the transaction is going on. Perhaps 'if you paid for?'} a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron?
Ok, so I made it out the other side. I will say that there's tons to like about this piece...after all, I would not put hours into a critique when I thought it a waste of time. There's lots of sardonic wit and irony. Assonance and alliteration! And I do welcome you to the site, you are going to be a very valuable asset!
bena/mel
according to dictionary.com:
1.
a poetic word for morning
seems perfect use of it to me!
Let's do this whole critique thing, and see if we come out the other side.
This morn' I sat in solitude {that's a drop the apostrophe, not a tiny exclamation point, although that does give me ideas....}
amidst a crowded restaurant, {it's obvious you aren't a Brit or Brit derivative, but you can ask most of those nutters on this site, they love their "amidst"steses. I would personally do one of two things, just use "inside" OR "in a crowded restaurant, amidst-among-amid a crowd}
and mesmerized by
{the} actions that surrounded {without "the" it almost sounds as if the restaurant or crowd are the subjects. This is the problem when writing long, drawn out sentences---ambiguity, dangling participle, misplaced modifiers, and comma splices}
the soda machine; {why not a period here? It would help you avoid the uglies fore mentioned.}
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.
{from the colon to end of stanza 1 it is all uglies. I do know what you mean until the last 3 lines...but. I would replace colon with comma, and just italize your "thoughts" sans semi colon, use a dash---there should be complete sentences in front of and after a semi colon. The last three line as a reader I can't tell if you're chastising them for stealing over and over by getting refills but I think you are.}
A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals.
And I told the men,
that if they the see {the? also not a big fan of starting a sentence with 'and' }crook,
to school him {really dislike this slang. Plus "educate him" would add more assonance} on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.
And{again, blah blah} late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and
asked {wanting?} to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded {I might use "admitted" mostly because I almost always listen to what the poem would sound like as I read: easy to find all the alliteration and assonance, etc.}
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.
And {eek}after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry: {dash not colon...and why enquiry as opposed to inquiry?}
Would you feel cheated
if you bought {If you bought kinda sounds like you are there when the transaction is going on. Perhaps 'if you paid for?'} a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron?
Ok, so I made it out the other side. I will say that there's tons to like about this piece...after all, I would not put hours into a critique when I thought it a waste of time. There's lots of sardonic wit and irony. Assonance and alliteration! And I do welcome you to the site, you are going to be a very valuable asset!
bena/mel