Two Thousand Pounds of Iron - Edit

[SimikPK]

Hello, this has a potential to grow into a very interesting "longer" read, I like the chain composition. Usually not a fan of long poems, but this one got me engaged. I will skip over things that brownlie already mentioned. 

/* I had this poem in the miscellaneous section. After a critique on the wordiness -- thanks billy -- I spent all my time in class today making revisions and deleted my old thread to move it here. (sigh) And now I have quite a bit of work to make up */


This morn' I sat in solitude
amidst a crowded restaurant,
and mesmerized by
actions that surrounded
the soda machine;
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not
also snatch a sealed drink
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag. Would a thief be so stupid as to use such a radiant color? I know it is of personal siginificance to you, but logic doesn't work here. 
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals. Yea, removing sacred would work for me. 
And I told the men,
that if they the see crook,
to school him on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.


And late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and hm.. and at the end of a line.. you know, not good break.
asked to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall. Whz 'doc? not actually doc'?
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy,
and always needs another
medication
or a refill. Don't like this split into two. What about leaving only refill? We know what people go to pharmacy for. Refill works well with the sprite and co. 

And after this eventful day For me, too many lines begin with and. No need to tell us this day was eventful, previous stanzas make it clear. 
I'm left with one enquiry: I like you did away with the pondering etc. 
Would you feel cheated
if you bought a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron? This last stanza could be made stronger. Do you really need mentioning the money and the "they"? 


.. if you bought a gram of gold,/but instead they gave you(but instead was given)/two thousand pounds/of iron?  


/* [note] 2000 lbs of iron = 1 gram of gold according to this months prices and my dubious calculations. What sucks is this poem will quickly lose relevance since Iron and Gold prices aren't stagnant.  */