11-09-2014, 04:33 AM
I like the poem, its imagery and the direction I can follow. There are some words that I could not understand like tubular laver, google search did not find satisfactory explanation.
Unfinished bath -- unfinished because the person never gets out of the water but rests there?
Maybe I would prefer more connection for the marked with previous part in the 2nd verse as the gap is little bit bigger, but it's fine as it is if you prefer.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not [don't, maybe better?] know who, perhaps all of them releases [release?] my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. -->Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.<--
The twist in the last verse is nice, the change of heart.What would be a reason for no strength to save yourself, but pleas could be made.
Few commas here and there could strengthen your structure?
Unfinished bath -- unfinished because the person never gets out of the water but rests there?
Maybe I would prefer more connection for the marked with previous part in the 2nd verse as the gap is little bit bigger, but it's fine as it is if you prefer.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not [don't, maybe better?] know who, perhaps all of them releases [release?] my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. -->Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.<--
The twist in the last verse is nice, the change of heart.What would be a reason for no strength to save yourself, but pleas could be made.
Few commas here and there could strengthen your structure?