11-09-2014, 01:49 AM
el,
I came back to look over this again. I think I know one of the things that was bothering me. This is written as a tanka, but is in fact a much longer poem so when you write a sentence like:
"Counting her pennies to buy what she can't let go, she clears the hallways."
Which might fly as maybe a tanka makes little sense as a sentence in a larger poem. What does, "she clears the hallway" have to do with what precedes it? There are a number of sentences that do this. So I think maybe you need to work on clarification for these sentences.
What does:
"Blueprints drawn for room to grow" have to do with "she replants mom's favorites". Generally these would not be in the same sentence. I understand that they arose out of the short form poem, but this is no longer a short form, and such phrases hinder clarity.
Dale
I came back to look over this again. I think I know one of the things that was bothering me. This is written as a tanka, but is in fact a much longer poem so when you write a sentence like:
"Counting her pennies to buy what she can't let go, she clears the hallways."
Which might fly as maybe a tanka makes little sense as a sentence in a larger poem. What does, "she clears the hallway" have to do with what precedes it? There are a number of sentences that do this. So I think maybe you need to work on clarification for these sentences.
What does:
"Blueprints drawn for room to grow" have to do with "she replants mom's favorites". Generally these would not be in the same sentence. I understand that they arose out of the short form poem, but this is no longer a short form, and such phrases hinder clarity.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.