Two Thousand Pounds of Iron - Edit

[coy]

I would avoid using morn unless you are purposely using old language. 
I wouldn't use amidst here. You are inside a restaurant or amidst (Spelling on this?) the members of a crowd.

okay, I'll change both of these. I had intended to use it as one syllable slang for morning, but it looks like no one does that.

actions that surrounded the soda machine doesn't seem to have a clear subject.

yeah, i've been skeptical about this line structure. i'll fix that too

The sound seems a little clunky here.

probably the superfluous 'also' I added to hold the meter.

 Crimson is quite prominent here. Therefore, I, as a reader, am prone to attribute unusual importance to it.

that was the intention, make it a little more personal.

I like the Hermes bit, but I fell this sentiment can be reduced and still convey the same meaning and good sound.

i think omitting sacred would do it?

There is a contrast between sojourn which  suggests a larger journey than a simple trip to the pharmacy. This can be used.

yeah. good call. i can make the end of this stanza more powerful.

You could introduce the poem with a (possibly dated) quote. 


This poem can be cleaned up, but I think there's something interesting here. 

Thanks for the read, critiques, and compliments