Two Thousand Pounds of Iron - Edit

[Brownlie]

/* I had this poem in the miscellaneous section. After a critique on the wordiness -- thanks billy -- I spent all my time in class today making revisions and deleted my old thread to move it here. (sigh) And now I have quite a bit of work to make up */


This morn' I sat in solitude -- I would avoid using morn unless you are purposely using old language. 
amidst a crowded restaurant, -- I wouldn't use amidst here. You are inside a restaurant or amidst (Spelling on this?) the members of a crowd.
actions that surrounded  -- actions that surrounded the soda machine doesn't seem to have a clear subject.
the soda machine;
I watched as countless people
filled their water cups
with Sprite,
and wondered: why not -- I wouldn't use a verb before a colon, though here it doesn't really matter I suppose.
also snatch a sealed drink -- The sound seems a little clunky here.
from the defenseless
mini-fridge? It's only
three yards to your right;
at least there's
no free refills.

A couple hours later,
at my favorite
electronics store,
a group of vexed and weary men
had yelled about a petty crook;
his nimbleness was not adept
as cameras caught him
stuffing DVD's
inside his crimson bag. -- Crimson is quite prominent here. Therefore, I, as a reader, am prone to attribute unusual importance to it.
The thief then flitted past
two baffled guards,
and sprinted like he borrowed
Hermes' sacred sandals. -- I like the Hermes bit, but I fell this sentiment can be reduced and still convey the same meaning and good sound.

And I told the men,
that if they the see crook,
to school him on accepted sin,
and show him movie larceny
is safer on the Interweb.


And late that night,
my friend called
sounding glum, and
asked to decompress;
she sheepishly conceded
that her daughter
failed a drug test.
And school was not much better,
so the 'doc suggested Adderall.
My friend is never bothered
by a sojourn to the pharmacy, -- There is a contrast between sojourn which  suggests a larger journey than a simple trip to the pharmacy. This can be used.
and always needs another
medication
or a refill.

And after this eventful day
I'm left with one enquiry:
Would you feel cheated
if you bought a gram of gold,
but instead they spent your money
on two thousand pounds
of iron? -- I think this final statement can be tightened up.



/* [note] 2000 lbs of iron = 1 gram of gold according to this months prices and my dubious calculations. What sucks is this poem will quickly lose relevance since Iron and Gold prices aren't stagnant.  */ -- You could introduce the poem with a (possibly dated) quote. 

This poem can be cleaned up, but I think there's something interesting here.