11-04-2014, 11:32 PM
[quote='pickles' pid='178061' dateline='1415064006']
~Unfinished bath~
My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
By K. Adam Wright
Hello Adam,
Truthfully, it is pretty dire. The spelling mistakes will only remain unnoticed by those whose spelling is worse than yours but spelling CAN be corrected. So correct it.
Its not it's.
through not thru ( no matter what you say)
aver?
them releases?
I could go on but the biggest elephant in the room is lack of direction...or perhaps I should rephrase that...you are going off in all directions at once and have forgotten that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POEM!
What makes you think it is? No rhyme, rhythm, metaphor, alliteration, imagery...you do not need all, but you do need some. Your grammatical sentence structures are abysmal...an example. "It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness." Why does a mouse when it spins? Because the higher they get the fewer. Harrumph
tubular laver? Seaweed? Huh?
end's light. (but no idea what this means)
Start again. Get your central metaphor polished. Choose real words. Check their meaning. Check the spelling. Write in sentences. Try to show, not tell.
Punctuate to clarity.
Re-submit,
do not give up.
Best,
tectak
~Unfinished bath~
My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
By K. Adam Wright
Hello Adam,
Truthfully, it is pretty dire. The spelling mistakes will only remain unnoticed by those whose spelling is worse than yours but spelling CAN be corrected. So correct it.
Its not it's.
through not thru ( no matter what you say)
aver?
them releases?
I could go on but the biggest elephant in the room is lack of direction...or perhaps I should rephrase that...you are going off in all directions at once and have forgotten that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POEM!
What makes you think it is? No rhyme, rhythm, metaphor, alliteration, imagery...you do not need all, but you do need some. Your grammatical sentence structures are abysmal...an example. "It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness." Why does a mouse when it spins? Because the higher they get the fewer. Harrumph
tubular laver? Seaweed? Huh?
end's light. (but no idea what this means)
Start again. Get your central metaphor polished. Choose real words. Check their meaning. Check the spelling. Write in sentences. Try to show, not tell.
Punctuate to clarity.
Re-submit,
do not give up.
Best,
tectak