11-04-2014, 11:04 AM
~Unfinished bath~ I like the title but i am not sure why. it doesn't connect for me
My body, bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.
The tense changes with rushed and feels. it should remain consistant
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm this part bothers me but i dont know how to fix it It is too many words and not much informationand I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I couldseeems repetative and unnecessary. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
I personally would remove some of the smaller descriptors like the, it, a, etc. I personally like my poetry with mostly "meat". I have a distinct image in my head along witht the emotions that go along with it. Good job showing your work.
My body, bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.
The tense changes with rushed and feels. it should remain consistant
My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm this part bothers me but i dont know how to fix it It is too many words and not much informationand I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.
That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I couldseeems repetative and unnecessary. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.
I personally would remove some of the smaller descriptors like the, it, a, etc. I personally like my poetry with mostly "meat". I have a distinct image in my head along witht the emotions that go along with it. Good job showing your work.
"I asked him for mercy, he gave me a gun"